Chronicles of an Unfortunate Mage
by Ballad of Lumen
Summary: Very roughly based on a real person. Rated K for...sake references :


Chronicles of an Unfortunate Mage

People have called me a cynic before. It was nothing remotely out of the ordinary, though when my magician's guild instructor paired it with a speech on how I would never be able to appreciate the wonders of Rune Migard, it was just a tad harsh.

I can clearly remember that sunny afternoon as I marched out of the magician's guild, a fresh graduate with my graduate's…hat?...perched on the top of my head and feeling slightly grateful at the world around me. Never have I ever felt such a euphoria for being stuck in such a wretched kingdom ever since.

However, I cannot honestly recall when I had started to feel such an extreme disposition towards an otherwise somewhat glorious kingdom. Though my suspicions tell me it all started on that fateful day in Amatsu, oh so long ago…

I was taking a lovely stroll through the town, admiring the frequent storms of cherry blossom petals and occasionally having to spit a few out of my mouth. My pocket was making a delightful clinking sound of a large amount of zeny that I had acquired when helping the 6th novice _that day_ receive a pass of permission to enter the dungeons of Amatsu why novices wanted to even enter such a dangerous place is beyond me…perhaps they fancy running away from skeletons wielding machine guns. All seemed right with the world, and I found myself caught in a rare moment of pure bliss. I knew it wouldn't' last for long, but I didn't expect it's shattering all the same.

"Um…hiiii, um, do you know where I could get one of those cooool permission thingys?"

Startled, I looked forward into what I would soon refer to as the Devil Incarnate to my future. A girl, probably fresh into the acolyte profession, stood before me. Her appearance scarily resembled those of one who had died her hair blonde too frequently; it was frayed at the ends and the whole 'mane' seemed to fizz out in every conceivable direction. Her mouth was opened into a wide, toothy grin, akin to your average hillbilly. She didn't appear to be one who would even know what a question was, so I silently applauded her for doing so.

"Ummmmm…hellooo?"

Her blue eyes seemed to be fixated to make her appear permanently surprised, even though the rest of her features changed to mild puzzlement when I didn't reply immediately. She dragged out syllables of words for uncomfortably long amounts of time, which had originally left me too shocked to reply.

I cleared my throat. "You mean a pass of permission to access the Amatsu dungeons?"

She nodded and smiled. "Yeeeaaah, one of thooose. Would you help me find one, mister?"

I blinked. The impulse to run screaming away was steadily growing stronger. Did this girl really expect me to follow her around as she bumbled her way through the castle gates? I actually used those dungeons myself, and the last thing I wanted was to be banned from them by association. Being the kind gentleman I am, though, I offered to walk her through the procedures over a few sake's at the local bar.

She giggled toothily and followed my lead. Her first appearance in my life might have been one of the driving factors that lead to my alcoholism, but I might have judged her too quickly. Underneath all of that idiotic nature might be a nice, sensible person. It would just take a while to un-earth her.

As we took our seats and requested orders, I began to worry a little when she asked me what shrimp was. I thought it would be fairly obvious, seeing as it was under the 'seafood' section in the menu, but perhaps she came from a small, uncultured town that wasn't near any bodies of water. But I really shouldn't get my hopes up.

As the waitress brought us our orders one bottle of sake and one plate of fresh shrimp, I started to question the girl on what she knew about Amatsu. She ignored me completely and dove at the shrimp.

In all my life, I have never seen someone become drunk off of seafood. Perhaps the bar we had visited secretly put something on the shrimp, but once again that would be speculating too much. The girl began to dance around the table, braying and whistling at random intervals, until she pulled me up out of my seat. I tried not to look at any of the staring customers.

"Heyyy I have agreat idearr…why don' we have a buffin' competishun…whoever buffs the least hasta' pay the billsh…" she slurred.

She must've been quite drunk, seeing as she began to cast Angelus repeatedly not only on me, but on every other inhabitant in the bar. How she figured that mages could cast spells learned in the acolyte class baffles me, but I took it as a cue to get her out of that bar as quickly as possible.

I half-dragged her to the nearest kafra in Amatsu I could find. For those of you who didn't know, kafra are robots designed for the convenience of the citizens of Rune Migard, so that they can teleport quickly to any relatively nearby locations for a "small" fee. I dropped the girl to the ground and began to converse with the Kafra.

"Hello, how may I help you today? The kafra-warps I am able to give you are to the destinations: Prontera 1800 zeny, Alberta 1200 zeny, or Izulde 2000 zeny. Where would you like to travel today?" the kafra chorused.

"Ah yes…I would like to purchase two warps for my companion and myself to Prontera, please." I rummaged around in my satchel for the correct fee and presented it to her.

"Hello, how may I help you today? The kafra-warps I am able to give you are to the destinations: Prontera 1800 zeny, Alberta 1200 zeny, or Izulde 2000 zeny. Where would you like to travel today?" the kafra repeated with the same amount of enthusiasm.

"Erm…two warps to Prontera, please."

"Hello, how may I help you today? The kafra-warps I am able to give you are to the destinations: Prontera 1800 zeny, Alberta 1200 zeny, or Izulde 2000 zeny. Where would you like to travel today?"

I was beginning to grow impatient. "We would like two Prontera warps, if you don't mind."

"Hello, how may I help you today? The kafra-warps I am able to give you are to the destinations: Prontera 1800 zeny, Alberta 1200 zeny, or Izulde 2000 zeny. Where would you like to travel today?"

I think it was that particular moment where I realized that I was completely surrounded by morons.


End file.
